The beginning

So, after much thought and debate, I thought it would be an awesome experience for me to chronicle everything I've been going through. Sometimes it's easier to get things out on paper-or rather typing. That way your thoughts are there to be seen (and heard) by not only yourself, but maybe give others insight into some personal aspects of my life. I am a very private person, but if my pain, hurt, sadness, grief, happiness, anxiety..etc.

Lately I've been going through so many emotions it's hard to lay it all out there. So, I'll start from where I can remember. Recently I've felt an overwhelming amount of emotion from the seperation of my husband and I. We were together for almost 9 years, and were just 16 years old when we met. We are completely different people now than what we were as teenagers, but the person I thought he was isn't who he portrays now. It kills me every time I speak to him because I keep hoping there will be a little glimmer of the man that i spent so much time with, so much love with and so many intimate moments with. He will forever be an integral part of my life because of my beautiful son, Aiden. Every time I look at him-I see him not only for their physical similarities, but because when you love someone that is the greatest bond that you will share-is that between you and your children. He is the most precious gift I could have ever received, and for that I cannot regret our marriage nor my love for his father.

We were two young souls who decided to open our hearts up enough to fall madly and deeply in love-without thought and without regret. Thinking of that love, that uncontrollable, can't live without you kind of love-and now we barely speak breaks my heart. I know that we are not good for each other but it still stings like concrete grating my heart.

My heart has hurt for so long. I've been sad and lonely for so long. I've realized that I can't and will never again invest my feelings in to someone who isn't willing to give me their all, their everything. I could never hate him though, for any of the pain he has caused me because I will always love him, he will always be there-I remember when my heart broke and then I remember when I gave up loving him, because there was nothing else that could be done.

The idea of LOVE and everything that it stands for. Will it ever be out there for me again or will I die an old haggard soul, bruised from so much hurt and pain. Or will I look back on all of this, dust myself off and be stronger and love harder than before? I guess I won't know until i fall madly, deeply in love with someone else. Someone who takes the time to truly understand me, to love me for me-flaws and all, and someone willing and able to do anything to knock my guard down-because I can guarantee next time I won't be so careless with my heart.

I have to love myself first before I can give my all to another person. Who knows how long that will take, but with enough time, I'm sure I could love someone again. Hopelessly and utterly, deeply in love with...Until that day......